I feel for Him in October

Some people make an ordinary month feel like a favourite song, right? 

October came with its own little magic this year. 

I didn't expect anything. I wasn't searching for someone, wasn't trying to find a reason to fall in love again. But then, somewhere between an unexpected meeting with someone and a few conversations before he got back to his country, there he was. 

and suddenly, I had someone on my mind. 

I started noticing the little things. The way he smiled, the sound of his voice (I like his accent), the way when he told stories, and how easily I am get warmed how easily a simple conversation could make my day feel lighter. 

it was silly, really. 

A little smile whenever his name appeared on my phone. A second glance at a message before replying. sometimes wondering what he was doing, whether he had eaten, whether his day had been kind to him. 

I found myself smiling at absolutely nothing. 

I wanted to know more about him. His stories, his favourite things, his little routines. 

I remember how he liked running, how he kept track of his runs, and how it was of his favourite activities. I hope he keeps doing it, stays healthy, and never loses that little routine that make him calm his day after works. 

Wishing for the rain to be kind to him, hoping the traffic wouldn't be too terrible after a long day. I hope he gets enjoy the drive, even when the roads are busy. he said "bodoh amat" that's sound funny for me until right now. 

and those silly youtube shorts he shared, especially the jokes about Indonesian actors. I still laughing think about how seriously he told those stories, but its not funny for me. the only one funny its only him. 

Then there was his interest in books. 
He once mentioned trying to read non-fiction again. I wonder that books he will pick up next. if he ever finds a really good one, I hope he remembers that somewhere, someone is still waiting for his recommendation. 

I think I was collecting little details without even realising it. 
I also kept imagining the simplest kind of happiness with him. 

Like maybe someday, he finally visiting that "pho" place together when he comes to Jakarta again. or finding an unlimited matcha place for him, while I enjoy my coffee beside him. two different drinks, one table, and hopefully a long conversation. 

I even started praying for him
For his happiness, his health, his career, his family, and all the things he might be quitely carrying. I didn't know what the future had prepared for us, but I knew I wanted good things for him. 

Funny how someone can become a part of your prayers before they even become a part of you everyday life. 

Maybe I was little dreamy. Maybe I was getting ahead of myself.

But I do, I realize and I liked that version of me. 

If October were a song, I think I'd want it to sound like a soft guitar, a warm afternoon, a little bit of rain, and a smile that stays longer than it should. 

I'd want to remember it exactly like that. 

I don't need to pretend that my world became brighter only because he was in it. My life was never dark before I met him. I had own little routines, my own happiness, my own dreams to chase, and I had learned how to enjoy my own company. I knew how to spend a quite weekend alone, find comfort in a cup of coffee, enjoy every single day. 

But hope he can understand, he never bring a chaos into my life, not even once. at least, not in the way he seemed to imagine. I never looked at him as burden, a complication, or someone who would turn my life upside down. He was simply someone I was happy to have met. Someone whose presence made me curious, whose stories made me smile, and whose ordinary days I somehow wanted to know about. I don't know what made him see himself that way, but I hope one day he learns to be a little kinder to himself. 

I never needed someone to rescue me from my own life. I wasn't looking for someone to fill an empty space or give me reason to be happy. But I suppose there is something lovely about meeting someone who makes you want to share the happiness you already have. 

Someone I wanted to tell things to do, someone whose stories I wanted to hear, someone I found myself remembering in the middle of an ordinary day. I started noticing things I might have otherwise forgotten.. the way he talked, and I still have his photo's on my phone will keep it until I choose to delete. 

but.. anyway

Because, somewhere in the October or maybe before October, I fell for him. 

and before November end, it will be end. 
I was happy he came into my life, even if only for a little while.